Sometimes it’s easier to blame yourself. Easier to tear oneself down. Easier to hurt yourself. It’s something one can control. I tell my sister this, time and time again. I tell her, I don’t like the cold. It makes me feel lifeless. The heat and warmth is my sovereignty, making me feel alive. The pain of the scorching heat makes me feel alive. I feel alive and I know it, and that very moment your proof of existence is tangible…
I came from a toxic relationship. It left me feeling half empty and less worthy. I don’t know how I put up with it. He seemed to be the perfect guy and super nice but my heart was deceived. I didn’t notice the small signs that were dead give always. I’m glad he’s out of my life. I finally realized how happy I was without him. I got to appreciate how the sunshine caresses my face, the warm breeze on my skin, the grass between my toes. I forgot about the world around me because during that time he was my world. I let him get the best of me and got lost in the illusion if love.
She didn’t understand that. “How can anyone be afraid of love?”
“How can they not?” His face was completely aghast. “When you love someone… truly love them, friend or lover, you lay your heart open to them. You give them a part of yourself that you give to no one else, and you let them inside a part of you that only they can hurt—you literally hand them the razor with a map of where to cut deepest and most painfully on your heart and soul. And when they do strike, it’s crippling—like having your heart carved out. It leaves you naked and exposed, wondering what you did to make them want to hurt you so badly when all you did was love them. What is so wrong with you that no one can keep faith with you? That no one can love you? To have it happen once is bad enough… but to have it repeated? Who in their right mind would not be terrified of that?
—Sherrilyn Kenyon, Devil May Cry (via feellng)
What makes love real. I always wondered what it would feel like. I fell in love, fully immersed myself in it until I had a rude awaking. I wanted it so bad to be true and pure for me that I settled with an illusion of love. It seemed so real to me and he was very convincing that I actually believed in it. So much that I made him my world, and each day I let myself fall for his lies the more I lost myself. I was under the pretense of what genuine love should have been. Now that I look back, it wasn’t the love I wanted, needed or even deserved. It’s frustrating though to think I could let myself be played and hurt by one person I once believed loved me. It’s so frustrating to feel helpless, cheated, and betrayed. To find out that from the start the whole relationship was a sham. It hit me hard. Now I know better, learned a few lessons, learnt to trust my instincts. I will be ok. I will find that one real love I’ve always wanted and most important someone that deserves my love.
So it’s late at night and I have a early morning shift starting at 7 am. I can’t get to sleep, it feels as if my mind is on hyper speed and running on infinite thoughts. My hearts racing, my breathing is heavy and I’m anxiously trying to sleep. Sometimes one gets sentimental and reminisce on how life could of turned out differently with an alternate life. One with a different job, boyfriend/lover/husband, or children. Sometimes I imagine a different life I would of had but then I think to myself that it wouldn’t be me and would I even be happy.
I spent so much time
loving you, that I forgot
how to love myself.
—"A Haiku about Mistakes" (217/365) by (DS)